[00:00:00] Hi and welcome back to Reflect Forward. I'm your host, Kerry Siggins, and I'm so glad you are here today. Today I want to talk about why Always Saying Sorry Undermines Your Leadership. Look, as leaders our words, they carry weight. And our words shape people's perceptions of us.
[00:00:26] It influences actions, it reflects our confidence and competence. And this pervasive habit that so many leaders have of saying sorry when an apology is not necessary, or it's to apologize for something that you had nothing to do with or that's completely out of your control.
[00:00:44] It undermines your authority and your leadership. So it's time to break this habit. To stop saying sorry for things that you don't actually need to say you're sorry for so that you can really step into your power as a leader.
[00:00:57] And I'm bringing this up because I see this so often as I'm developing leaders at Stone Age. And I see it particularly with women, but not just with women. I see it across the board. But particularly with women who feel like their first response is needing to apologize.
[00:01:14] And I see it so often that I thought, you know what? I need to talk about this because it really is something that is incredibly common but it holds people back from stepping into their leadership. So let's jump into it.
[00:01:27] So first I want to dive into the problem with over-apologizing. Why is this such a problem? Why can't we just say I'm sorry? Does it really matter that you're apologizing for something that was out of your control?
[00:01:39] Yes, it does. So the first problem with over-apologizing is that it erodes your credibility. When leaders frequently apologize for really minor things or things that were out of their control,
[00:01:51] it signals a lack of confidence or competence. And this type of constant self-depreciation where you have to apologize for things that you don't need to apologize for, it makes people not trust you or it makes people question your credibility.
[00:02:06] And it might not be something that is conscious in people, but subconsciously it's saying why is this person apologizing for this instead of just leaning into it? Do they have what it takes to really be a leader?
[00:02:17] Subconsciously that's going through people's minds. So if you want people to take you seriously, stop apologizing so often for things that you don't need to apologize for. The second thing is it undermines your authority. So when you apologize unnecessarily,
[00:02:31] it can subtly suggest that you are not in control or that you are unsure of your decision. And this can weaken people's perception of your authority and it can make it more challenging to lead effectively.
[00:02:45] So undermining authority is a big one. When you also apologize too much, you create a culture of hesitation. So what does that mean? Well, you set the tone for your team and if you apologize excessively,
[00:02:55] it can create an environment where people feel the need to do the same. And now you've got people who are always apologizing. I absolutely have seen this in my teams when a leader is coming across as not being confident
[00:03:09] and is apologizing for bringing up an issue or apologize for something that they shouldn't apologize for. I see it in their team as well because they are modeling their leaders.
[00:03:20] And so it creates that culture of hesitation where people are like, well, my leader is constantly apologizing for things. Maybe I need to do this too. So if you are insecure as a leader and you're apologizing for things that you shouldn't apologize for,
[00:03:33] then you're creating a culture of insecurity and that stifles innovation and assertiveness. You need to be able to advocate for your team without apologizing. You need to be able to speak up.
[00:03:43] You need to step into your leadership without saying I'm sorry and your team will do the same. It's okay to be assertive. You do not have to apologize. And then the fourth thing that over apologizing does is it waste emotional energy.
[00:03:59] And this is such an important thing when you constantly feel the need to apologize, it can drain your emotional energy and you might not even be conscious of this, right? Going like, oh gosh, because I'm always feeling bad about this or this.
[00:04:13] Because when you're always feeling bad about something, whether you think it's just being empathetic or you somehow think that you had a way to control something that wasn't in your control and you apologize for it, you're giving away your energy.
[00:04:26] And we need strong energetic leaders who are stepping up into that responsibility. So don't waste your energy feeling bad about things that you shouldn't feel bad about. For saying I'm sorry for stuff you shouldn't say I'm sorry for.
[00:04:41] Your energy is so much better spent on productive actions, strategic thinking and fostering a positive environment and solving problems like we talked about in my last advice from a CEO episode. So those are the problems with over apologizing.
[00:04:56] So if you ever think, oh, it's not that big of a deal. What does an apology matter? Doesn't that make people feel better? No, it actually doesn't make people feel better because some people are going to question why are you apologizing
[00:05:08] and two, it makes you not feel better. And it's not helping you in your evolution as a leader either. So why do leaders apologize unnecessarily? Well, first and foremost, it's social conditioning.
[00:05:20] Most of us are told at a young age to apologize as a way to be polite or to avoid conflict. And this habit carries throughout our whole lives where it's less appropriate.
[00:05:33] So all those times when our mom and dad told us to apologize and we didn't think that we needed to apologize, but we did it because that's what being polite was or that's how you didn't get in trouble or avoided conflict. We carry that baggage forward.
[00:05:49] So social conditioning is a huge reason why people over apologize. The second reason why people apologize unnecessarily is the fear of disapproval. A lot of leaders may apologize preemptively to avoid disapproval.
[00:06:02] I watched this happen just recently where a manager was giving a presentation and they automatically just said, I'm sorry, this isn't going to be as good as the last presentation. And I just said, whoa, whoa, stop right there. You're not starting off this presentation apologizing.
[00:06:18] That's not what we're going to do here. Just give your presentation. It's going to be great and you do not need to start something off by apologizing.
[00:06:28] And I know why this person did it is because there was this fear of my presentation isn't going to be as good. And I'm going to disappoint the people who are listening to this presentation.
[00:06:37] So if I just preemptively say, hey, this isn't going to be that good and I'm sorry, then I'm lowering their expectations. That is not stepping into your power as a leader. So it backfires. When you diminish yourself, when you over apologize for something,
[00:06:54] when you try to avoid that disapproval ahead of time, you are actually diminishing your own strength as a leader and showing people that you aren't a decisive, confident person who is going to walk us through a great presentation
[00:07:09] and give us the information that we need to make a decision. And the third reason why people apologize unnecessarily is because they want to be liked and equate being empathetic and being sympathetic
[00:07:19] and apologizing for things that they have no reason to apologize for as being a likable person. And while being empathetic is absolutely important as a leader, it doesn't mean that you have to go into sympathy.
[00:07:31] It doesn't mean that you have to somehow shoulder something that you're not responsible for. And by over apologizing, you are not balancing that empathy with assertiveness, with being a strong leader who is there to help
[00:07:45] but not there to take the responsibility of other people's roles or tasks on themselves. So those are the reasons why people apologize unnecessarily. So let's jump into how do you stop it? Well, the first thing is you got to develop self-awareness around it.
[00:08:02] So you've got to recognize that you apologize unnecessarily. So keep track of it. Every time you say I'm sorry, literally just carry a little notebook in your back pocket and give yourself a little check mark. Understand how often you are saying it
[00:08:16] or ask somebody who you work closely with to hold you accountable. Say, let me know when I'm apologizing for something. This will help you identify those patterns and those triggers that prompt you to say, I'm sorry all the time so that you can then actually stop doing it.
[00:08:32] The second thing that you need to do is reframe your language. You don't have to say I'm sorry, but you can still acknowledge what's going on. So I'm going to give you some examples of ways to reframe and I'm sorry into something that gives you that authority,
[00:08:44] that credibility, and assertiveness. So the first one is I'm sorry for rescheduling. You can say thanks for being flexible. I really appreciate that. Instead of saying sorry for being late, you can say thanks for waiting. That's really nice of you. Instead of saying I'm sorry for bothering you,
[00:09:01] you can say thanks for carving out time for me. I appreciate that. Instead of saying sorry for venting, you can say thanks for listening. Instead of saying sorry, I had to take that call. You can say thanks for your patience. Instead of saying sorry for jumping in,
[00:09:17] you can say I have an idea that might help. Instead of saying sorry for the mistake, you can say thanks for catching my mistake. Instead of saying sorry, I didn't get that. You said can say could you repeat that? I just want to make sure I've got it.
[00:09:31] The worst one, sorry, does that make sense? You can say I'm happy to answer any questions. That is how you reframe your language. Instead of always using apologies, you can thank people for helping you. You can thank people for being flexible, for carving out time, for listening,
[00:09:49] for catching your mistakes, instead of always apologizing. So that's what reframing your language looks like. The next one is to practice assertive communication. What does that mean? It means just like what this reframing is. It's about being direct and clear in your statements.
[00:10:05] Without being aggressive, this is not about being aggressive. You can say could you please repeat that? I just want to make sure that I've got it. That is clear, that is direct, and that is assertive, and there is no way that it's aggressive and people will appreciate it.
[00:10:18] So when you are assertive in your statements rather than coming across as apologetic, it conveys confidence and decisiveness and that you trust yourself as a leader. The next thing is to own your decisions. Stand by your decisions and your actions. If a mistake is made, that's okay.
[00:10:35] Acknowledge it and focus on the solution rather than dwelling on the apology and beating yourself up. This deborah straight-sait one you're accountable that you are forward-thinking that you can move past mistakes and get to a better place. Look, every single human makes mistakes.
[00:10:52] The goal is not to avoid making a mistake. It's to learn from mistakes. We're always going to stumble. If we're not making mistakes, it means that we're not trying very hard and you don't have to constantly apologize. You can acknowledge it and you can say,
[00:11:04] thanks for catching my mistake. I really appreciate it. I know that it caused you extra work and here's how it's not going to happen again. Create that accountability. Now let's go solve this problem moving forward. That is what people want to hear from leaders. They don't want this,
[00:11:18] I'm really sorry I was so screwed up. Seems like you want people to feel sorry for you. So don't do that. Just be assertive. Say, I screwed up. I want to fix it and I really appreciate your help. Here's my plan to hold myself accountable and move forward.
[00:11:31] That is what people want to hear. Not an apology that is empty, negative and reflects a lack of confidence. And finally ask for feedback. So this goes back to the self-awareness one. Ask for feedback from people on your communication style. Are you coming across as overly apologetic
[00:11:48] or are you coming across as owning your actions, your words, your decisions, your mistakes and moving forward? Ask your boss. Ask a trusted colleague. Ask a mentor. They will help hold you accountable and give you feedback on your communication style
[00:12:03] to help you know if you are coming across as being overly apologetic or being more confident and assertive in your communication style. Alright so now let's talk about when to apologize because sometimes things happen that really do deserve an apology and it's necessary and appropriate
[00:12:19] to rebuild that relationship. One, when a major mistake has been made when you or your team makes a significant error and it affects others, a genuine apology will go a long way to show that you acknowledge the mistake and that you're taking responsibility for it.
[00:12:34] And the second one is when harm has been caused. When your actions or decisions have caused harm or offense in another person, then that heartfelt apology is necessary to mend that relationship and to rebuild trust. So if you really do screw up say you're sorry
[00:12:51] and all apologies should come with a commitment to change. To say this is how I'm going to approve, this is how I'm not going to let this happen again. People want that accountability, especially when you hurt them. So be proactive when you're apologizing.
[00:13:05] Make sure that you say I'm really sorry, I know this was hurtful and here's what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again. That is how you rebuild trust. Our goal is to inspire confidence and trust and respect from our teams.
[00:13:20] And when we apologize unnecessarily, we undermine these objectives because we're projecting that we don't have the confidence that we need, that we don't have the authority or that we think that we don't. So what I hope you got from this podcast is one, build self-awareness.
[00:13:34] Recognize when and why you over-apologize. To reframe your language instead of apologizing, always say something on a more positive, more accountable side of things like instead of saying sorry for the delay you can say thank you for your patience. Number three, practice assertive communication.
[00:13:52] Being direct and clear in your statements without being aggressive. This conveys confidence and decisiveness as a leader. Number four, own your decisions. It's like you made a decision. If it was a mistake, you can acknowledge it and move on. Do not dwell on the apology.
[00:14:08] Leaders are going to make mistakes, so own it. Own your decision and move on. Do not over-apologize. And number five, seek feedback. Ask people for feedback on your communication style. Are you coming across as over-apologetic? Or are you coming across as being a leader
[00:14:26] who has the ownership mindset that is owning their actions and looking for ways to improve and move forward? All right, if you like this podcast, please write a review, share with a friend, subscribe to it, go on YouTube and subscribe to it. I really appreciate it.
[00:14:41] It helps with the algorithms. And with that, I will leave you to your day. We'll see you next week.