[00:00:00] But then we have a dopamine crash and then we are like, ugh, that doesn't feel good. Hi, and welcome back to Reflect Forward. I'm your host, Kerry Siggins, and I am so glad you are here today. Today, I would like to talk about happiness and why it is your responsibility that you live a happy life and thrive. And I think this is a very pertinent topic because let's face it, right now there's just so much uncertainty in the world. There's so much chaos going on right now that it's really hard to find happiness, but it's important that we need to.
[00:00:29] Happiness is a worthy goal, especially in leadership in the workplace because, let's face it, we spend so much time at work and it's also really hard to feel good about the rest of your life when you are unhappy at work. And if you are unhappy as a leader, then it has a ripple effect because it's hard to inspire your employees to be happy and engaged if you're really struggling with this.
[00:00:53] So that's what we want to talk about today, how to own your happiness so that you can thrive. And this comes on the heels of a conversation that we had with Jen Lim, who is the author of Beyond Happiness and Delivering Happiness. She and Tony Hsieh, who was the CEO of Zappos, wrote Delivering Happiness and created a whole program around it. And really around this idea of your company is delivering more than just the product or service.
[00:01:18] It's the feeling that you create when somebody opens that box and gets a new pair of shoes. It's happy. People love getting new shoes. Jen worked at Zappos and she went on to lead this effort to train organizations on delivering happiness. We had her come in and do the kickoff to our year in January to talk about how to be happy and that it's not always easy and what you can do to find that happiness.
[00:01:44] And I was so moved by the fireside chat that she and I had for our employees that I wanted to talk a little bit about this today. Why happiness matters and how you can own it. So why is happiness a worthy goal? Well, happiness needs to be sustainable. So it has to be more than just that feel good feeling that you have in the moment.
[00:02:03] And happiness really comes from, in my opinion, and Jen confirmed this in our talk, from feeling a sense of purpose, from making progress in life and to having deep connections with others. And as I talked about in my recent podcast episode on why you need to do hard things every day, I went into a deep dive on dopamine. Sustainable happiness isn't about those dopamine hits, right?
[00:02:26] As I talked about in that episode, and if you haven't listened to it or watched it on YouTube, please go back because it is so packed with information about how your brain works. It really builds upon it. But dopamine gives us those feel good moments, the hit of chemical that says, oh, yes. But then we have a dopamine crash and then we are like, oh, that doesn't feel good. And so what we want is sustainable happiness where we're not getting those highs and those lows,
[00:02:50] but that we're really developing that fulfillment and that feeling of happiness from deeper experiences, from more meaning experiences. And when we have those, our brain produces oxytocin and serotonin, which are much more stable brain chemicals than the dopamine hit. So why is happiness a worthy goal? Well, I believe that happiness needs to be more than just that feel good feeling. I believe that happiness, true happiness, sustainable happiness comes from purpose, right?
[00:03:19] Feeling that you are living a purposeful life, doing what you're good at. It comes from making progress in your life and it comes from having deep connections with others. And Jen confirmed this in her research that sustainable happiness does come from these areas. But many of us are used to getting our happiness from our dopamine hits. And I talked about this in my last solo episode. And if you haven't watched it about why you should do hard things every day, I do a deep dive into dopamine
[00:03:45] and how those dopamine hits are really quite bad for us because we get them so often. And we get these feelings of high and, oh, that feels so good. And then we get these dopamine lows. And that's what those fleeting feel-good moments are really about. That's why social media doesn't make us happy. That's why eating junk food in the moment might make us happy, but it doesn't make us happy in the long run. Or we might feel happy or drinking alcohol, but it actually causes more anxiety and depression going forward.
[00:04:12] So we're used to associating happiness with those dopamine hits, but that's not true. And go back and listen to that episode because I talk about in detail why it's not true. But what we are really looking for is deeper fulfillment from meaningful experiences. And when we do that, our brain doesn't do the dopamine hit of like, I got that sudden hit from looking at social media.
[00:04:34] It is this much more sustainable process that our brain goes through where it releases oxytocin and serotonin, which are those feel-good chemicals that don't have the ups and the downs. And we only get those releases when we feel a deep sense of fulfillment and when we have really meaningful connections with others. And all of this matters because to us leaders, happiness matters, not only for ourselves, but for our employees. We do want happy employees.
[00:05:04] We do want happy workplaces because happier employees are more engaged, which means they're more innovative and they're more productive. And that is good for all of us. We can get things done. At Stonehenge, we talk a lot about this. We have our own mindset, which is really our culture, our set of behaviors and expectations that contribute to employees' success. We look at happiness not as something that the company is solely responsible. Obviously, the decisions that we make as leaders and how we set the tone for the culture has a profound impact.
[00:05:33] But we also tie happiness to personal responsibility. If you're not happy, speak up. If you're not happy in your life, go get help. Do the things that you need to to be able to take action and move through these tough times so that you can find more purpose and meaning in life. And then we talk a lot about how that happiness really does tie to purpose. That's what the whole own it mindset is, and it's for the ethos that we try to create.
[00:06:00] And it's not always easy, but it's really important. And we understand that happy employees do lead to really good things. And so we talk about it. And that's why we brought Jen in to talk about what does happiness mean and how do you increase your happiness, especially if you're not a happy person. Because let's face it, not everybody wakes up and just rolls out of bed happy. I'm super lucky that I'm one of those people that I feel amazing when I get out of bed every day.
[00:06:29] I do a lot of things in my life to make sure that I feel that way. I eat well. I exercise. I take care of my mental health. I meditate. I have deep, meaningful relationships. When I have conflict in my life, I address it so that it doesn't nag at me or wear me down or stress me out. And so when you're dealing with your things in life, even when things are hard, you can be more resilient and be happier. But I recognize that not everybody's like that, right? Happiness is a spectrum.
[00:06:59] Our natural happiness baseline is a spectrum. We're a 10 out of 10 is that really happy person that nothing can ever go wrong as looks at life through rose-tinted glasses, is always just filled with optimism. And then on the other end of the spectrum, it's a one where that person really struggles with seeing the good in life and has to work hard to find happiness in those moments and to really push themselves to get out of pessimism or mood swings. So it's all a spectrum.
[00:07:28] And any of us can fall anywhere on that spectrum on a given day, but most of us have a baseline happiness. And so we really need to be able to understand that so that we can show up as our best versions of ourselves and go after this worthy goal of happiness. Because in the times that I've been unhappy in my life, it diminishes the quality of my life. And that's why I work through those hard things because once you get through it, it's like, oh, okay, I feel better. And now I'm happier on the other side.
[00:07:57] And so that's why it's a worthy goal. It's a worthy goal for us as individuals, and it's a worthy goal for us leaders to help our employees understand what happiness is and understand that happiness is a personal responsibility. But you as a leader do have an impact on that person's happiness because of how you either show up every day or the culture of your company and what that employee experience really feels like to those employees.
[00:08:25] So my call to action for you as you're thinking about this goal of happiness, ask yourself, what does happiness mean to me? Is it fleeting or is it tied to something deeper? If it is fleeting, how can I tie it to something deeper? Am I happy at work? Am I happy in my life? Am I happy in my community? Am I happy in my relationships? And dive into that. If the answer is yes, understand why so that you can build upon it. And if the answer is no, then dig into it because it is such a worthy goal.
[00:08:54] When you are happy, life is so much better. If you are not happy, it is worth working on. I promise you. Even if you increase your baseline just a little bit more, it will improve the quality of your life. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. It's really easy to blame other people. I'm not happy because X, Y, Z. I'm not happy because my boss sucks. I'm not happy because my marriage is not great. I'm not happy because I don't feel good about myself.
[00:09:23] Those are all excuses. And I don't mean that in a harsh way because I get that there are external things that can cause you to be unhappy. But ultimately, you are responsible for your happiness. It is an inside job. And so if you're not happy, you really have to dive into why and take responsibility for those areas of your life that are making you unhappy. Happiness is personal. No one else can make you happy. You have to own your happiness.
[00:09:54] When Jen was talking to us, she started this great metaphor and she compared happiness to a greenhouse. And I really liked this metaphor. The way that she described it is that we're all like little seedlings. And we know that to grow a seedling into a healthy plant, it has to be nurtured with water and food and sunshine to grow into something that can then be used to nourish us.
[00:10:23] So let's take a tomato plant. You plant the seedling. You water it. You fertilize it. You have to have the right amount of sun. It grows over time. You have to do that daily as it grows and it grows and it grows. And then all of a sudden the tomato is ready to eat and then we eat it and then that nourishes us. That is what happiness is like. We have to nourish our own happiness, feed our own happiness, water our own happiness. So then that way we can nourish others.
[00:10:50] I love that because it shows that we are all interconnected and it shows that we all have an impact on those around us. Even though happiness is personal and you're responsible for your own happiness, your happiness has an impact on other people or your unhappiness has an impact on other people. That greenhouse effect. Cultivating happiness in yourself is really important.
[00:11:16] Another reason why it's important is that if you aren't happy and you aren't caring for yourself, it's really hard to care for others. And that's why I go back to my mantra of self-care is a discipline, not a luxury, because if you're not taking care of yourself, it's hard to be happy. If you're not taking care of yourself, it's hard to take care of other people. And so it really has the cyclical effect. You all know that I quit drinking. I just hit my 10 month anniversary. And the reason why I finally decided to quit drinking, well, it was lots of different reasons,
[00:11:45] but one of the big ones is that I had been writing about it in my journal for years, years and years and years. And I was talking about how I didn't like that I had my nightly glass or two of wine. And when I would say that I wasn't going to drink and I did, I would beat myself up. And I could see when I would go back and read these journal entries, how much it was negatively impacting my life. Not that I was out getting drunk and like a crazy alcoholic, but it was just like this slow diminishing of the quality of my life.
[00:12:14] Every day that I had a glass of wine and I feel bad about myself. And I felt like I had made a commitment and I wasn't keeping that commitment. I wasn't making progress in the goal that I had set. I would do dry January and then I would fall right back into my patterns, right? Ugh. Ugh. And so because I was journaling about it and because I go back and analyze my journal entries, I could see that it was really making me unhappy. And as I had to take a look in the mirror and say, okay, I'm not happy with this aspect of my life
[00:12:45] and it's having an impact in other areas of my life. What are you going to do about it, Carrie? What are you going to do about it? And I quit. And it has transformed my life. Has it been easy? No, absolutely not. I was just at a huge YPO event in Barcelona. 2,500 YPOers, 500 YPO staff, thousands and thousands of people. And it was really focused around alcohol. Like all of the socials were these amazing events with all kinds of food and dancing and
[00:13:15] entertainment. And it was really hard not having the social lubricant of alcohol to help me. And I did not want to drink, but it was hard to have fun because it was so loud and you couldn't talk to people. You'd have to yell for anybody to hear you. And I was like, ugh, this is hard. This sucks. And so I ultimately just went back to my hotel room and on the last night I didn't go to the last social. I went out to dinner with a dear friend of mine and a couple of other people.
[00:13:44] And it was so much more enjoyable because I could have deep, meaningful conversations. I could have that connection that I was craving. And what it brought up for me was like, okay, my life is so much better because I'm not drinking. But here in this moment when I'm not drinking and everyone else is, and it's really hard to have a good time in this big event with all of these things going on, because I'm not drinking, I wasn't happy in that moment, even though I'm happy that I made this overall life choice.
[00:14:10] And so I had to make a different choice the next night so that I could be happier. I could feel better. I could connect in the way that I wanted to connect. And I just think that this is such a great example of happiness because this is what happens to us. It's not a permanent state. Happiness fluctuates. And overall, I look at the decision to quit drinking and how much happier I am because of it. But it doesn't mean that in every single moment I'm happy because of it. I was not happy.
[00:14:38] I was like, oh, it would just be so much easier if I was just having a glass or two of wine and then I would feel more relaxed and I would have more fun and I would want to go dance where I just didn't want to do those things. It just wasn't what was important to me anymore. Going back to my hotel room and getting a good night's sleep, like that sounded really good. That was going to make me happy. Oh my God, I've changed so much as a human being. For anybody who knows me, I was always the one on the dance floor and I still will get on the dance floor even though I'm not drinking. But it was just really hard because there were so many people.
[00:15:06] It was overwhelming and I didn't have alcohol to numb the uncomfortableness of it all. Anyway, back to why this is a good example is that overall, I'm happy with the decision, but it doesn't mean that in these moments that it makes you happier. But I'm still ultimately responsible for it. Happiness starts with uncomfortable changes and personal accountability. There is absolutely no doubt about that, especially when you're not happy.
[00:15:32] I have had to make really tough choices in my life when I wasn't happy. When I left Austin, Texas back in 2006 because I had to get away from my life because I was making such poor decisions. It was so uncomfortable. It was so hard. I was wondering like, what in the hell am I doing? But I knew that I had to take personal accountability for my life. And so I had to lean into the discomfort. Same thing with drinking. Same thing with lots of other things in life. And it's the same for you.
[00:16:01] Don't fool yourself into thinking that making yourself happy isn't going to come with discomfort because it absolutely will. You are going to be uncomfortable. But that's where the good stuff happens, right? That's why you need to do hard things every single day. You can get better with the discomfort of change and challenges and take personal responsibility for your life. So how do you do this? You're not happy. What are some things that you can do? Well, you know I'm a big believer in journaling.
[00:16:30] I would not have made this decision to quit drinking if I wouldn't have journaled and have gone back and reflected upon my journal. And so journal. Write about why you're not happy. And write about it for every single day for three months. Write about the things that you're trying to do to make yourself happier. Go back and read those journal entries. It will shed so much light on where some of this is stemming from, especially if you don't understand.
[00:16:57] Or even if you do understand, hopefully give you some courage like it took for me to quit drinking, to make other changes in my life. Another thing that you need to do is reflect on your why. What is your purpose? Like why are you doing all of this? Why do you want to be happy? And it can be simple little reasons. Like for me, I wanted to quit drinking because I wanted to feel better about myself. I hated beating myself up every morning when I woke up and I had had a couple of glasses of wine and I'd promised myself that I wouldn't. And I wanted to stop that negative cycle. And so that was my why.
[00:17:26] I want to stop my negative cycle. It was that simple. What is your why? What is that purpose behind wanting to be happy and wanting to make the changes to be happy? Another good thing to do is to practice the LIT framework. So Jen talks about this in her book, Beyond Happiness. She talked about it at our keynote. Now, LIT stands for light, impact, and talent. And I like this because it gives you a framework to start thinking about happiness in. So light comes from like what brings you joy? What lights you up?
[00:17:54] When you are feeling like, oh, I had a really great day at work, what were the things that you were doing? When you look at your personal life and you think about, oh, this is what brings me so much joy, write that down. Understand what lights you up. Then think about your impact. When you're doing these things that light you up, what kind of impact do you have? What kind of ripple effect does it have? Like when you're in the zone at work and you're doing really good things because it's lighting you up, how is that making things better for yourself, for your team, for the company?
[00:18:22] When you are at home and you're feeling really good, what is the ripple effect there? What kind of impact are you having on your family, your friends, and your community? And then think about your talent. What are you good at? Not everybody understands what they're good at. And my trick for this is to, again, think about when you're at work and you're doing something that really makes you feel like you're in the flow, that makes you feel really accomplished. That's where your talents lie. You could also take personality assessments. I love the Six Geniuses of Work.
[00:18:52] It's Patrick Lencioni's new program. It's just such a great way to help you pinpoint how you work and where you fit into the stream of work. These types of assessments can help you understand what your strengths are. If you don't understand where your talents and your strengths lie, go and dig into that because it's really important. If you want to be happy, you got to do things that light you up. You got to make an impact and you got to work on your strengths. Align your talent with what you're doing every day. And then finally, you've got to engage in self-care.
[00:19:20] Self-care is a discipline, not a luxury. Do something every single day that makes you feel good. Seriously, every single day. Even if it's just for 10 minutes, do something that makes you feel good. Go out for a walk in the sun. Meditate. Listen to a podcast. Listen to music. Dance. Draw. Paint. Read. Whatever makes you happy, do something every day. Because if you're not taking care of yourself, you cannot take care of others. If you're not taking care of yourself, it's really hard to feel happy.
[00:19:50] It's hard to feel happy when you feel like crap. So what I'd like you to do right now is reflect on one thing that you can change today to take ownership of your happiness. For me, I booked a massage. That's what I did today. I said, oh, my neck really hurts. I'm stiff and sore from working out. I want a massage. I'm going to go soak and I am going to get a massage. And that is one thing I can do that is taking ownership of my happiness. Now I want to dive into the ripple effect of personal happiness.
[00:20:17] Because as leaders, everything that we do has a ripple effect. And when you show up as your happiest, most authentic self, you inspire others to do the same. And let's face it, when we're happy and we get to be who we really are, that feels good. And why wouldn't we want our teams to feel the same way? And if you're not feeling this way, if you're not showing up as your happiest, most authentic self, sit down and ask yourself what you should do. And I love this.
[00:20:47] Jen brought this up in her fireside chat with us is that the way that she finds herself taking responsibility for her happiness is when she says, I should, instead of saying somebody else should. So let's say that you're not happy in some kind of a team dynamic and you're like, somebody should come in and fix this. I would be so much happier if my boss just came in and fix this. Well, that's somebody should. So how do you take action instead of waiting for others to fix a situation so that you can find more happiness in what you do?
[00:21:14] So change that somebody should to I should. When you do that, you take action, you take accountability. And that action and accountability has a ripple effect when you actually do something about the situation that you're in. And then finally, gratitude. Gratitude amplifies happiness, especially in teams. So how are you showing gratitude? How are you showing gratitude to even the hard things in life? How are you showing gratitude to your teammates or to your team?
[00:21:42] When we talked about this in the fireside chat, I gave the challenge to all of my employees to go send an email, go call somebody, walk up to somebody and tell them, hey, I'm really grateful for you because of X, Y, Z. Got to be really specific. And how much that changes the mood. When somebody gets a, I'm really grateful for you because you do these things. This is really amazing. I love that about you. It feels so good.
[00:22:11] And that has such a ripple effect. So make sure you're expressing gratitude and it will make you feel better and it will make the person you are expressing gratitude feel better. And that's how it has a ripple effect. So my other action for you is to practice one act of gratitude. Do what we just did at StoneAge. Go and find somebody to tell them how grateful you are that they're in your life and why.
[00:22:39] Be specific and notice the ripple effect. It really is amazing. Before we wrap things up, I do want to talk about the difference between joy and happiness because oftentimes we interchange those two terms and they have very distinct differences in depth, source, and longevity. So happiness, what we've been talking about today is typically external and circumstantial. It's often linked to external events, achievements, experiences, winning an award, getting a promotion,
[00:23:08] enjoying a vacation. Those are all things that can bring happiness in those moments. If we don't find sustainable ways to be happy, which is where joy comes into, those moments feel fleeting and conditional. It comes and it goes depending on the circumstances. It's a way when things go well, oh, I feel great. And then it fades when challenges arise, like how I felt when I was in Barcelona at that YPO event. I was really happy that I'm not drinking, but it really sucks right now because it's not nearly as much fun.
[00:23:34] That's how happiness can feel fleeting and conditional. But when we find ways to create sustainable happiness, we find joy. And that's where the magic happens. Joy is internal and it's spiritual. It's a deep internal state of being that isn't dependent on circumstance. It comes from that sense of purpose and gratitude and inner peace. Sustainable happiness leads to joy.
[00:24:04] Joy is sustained. It's unshakable. Unlike happiness, joy can persist even in difficult times. You can even feel joy in the moments of struggle because it's rooted in something deeper like love or faith or personal growth. I have so much joy in my life because I don't drink anymore. It has changed my life, even if I feel moments of challenge when I'm not drinking, like I just recently experienced where I was like not happy and it was not fun.
[00:24:33] And I needed to change my circumstance so that I could get back to feeling joy. That's why this is so important. You want it to be more than fleeting and sustainable happiness leads to joy. So to wrap this section up, you can think of happiness as the spark and joy as the flame. Happiness is the thrill of the fireworks and joy is the steady warmth of the fire that keeps you going. You really want both of them in your life. So let's wrap things up and reinforce this theme.
[00:25:03] Happiness is a worthy goal, but you must take responsibility for it. Your happiness is personal. And it's not about chasing fleeting moments, but cultivating that deeper, more sustainable happiness, aka joy, through purpose, action, progress, and connection with others. When you own your own happiness, you inspire greatness. You inspire greatness in yourself and you inspire greatness in others. And what is more worthy than that?
[00:25:32] So I will leave you with the question to ponder. What is one small step you can take today to own your happiness and share it with the people around you? Create that accountability. What can you do to take ownership of your happiness today? Thank you so much for joining me on this episode of Reflect Forward. I hope you enjoyed it and you are inspired to not just chase happiness, but to really go after joy. I would love it if you got Jen's book, Beyond Happiness.
[00:25:59] And of course, I talk a lot about this in my book, The Ownership Mindset. You can find both of them on Amazon. And then of course, more of these podcasts. Go back and listen to past episodes where we really talk about personal accountability and responsibility and how it can change your life. And remember that happiness starts with you. Own it, nurture it, and watch how it transforms your life and your leadership. Thank you so much. I hope you all enjoyed this episode.
[00:26:26] If you think that somebody could really benefit from this, somebody who is searching for happiness, please share this episode. Share Jen's book with them. Share my book with them. And if you like this podcast overall, please subscribe to it on YouTube or on your favorite podcast platform. Please share it with a friend. It helps just spread the word and like it. Leave comments. I love to hear from you. All right. With that, I will leave you to your day. Have a great one. We'll see you next week.