[00:00:10] Hi, and welcome back to Reflect Forward. I'm your host, Kerry Siggins, and I'm so glad you are here today.
[00:00:15] Our brains are wired to make assumptions. It's part of how we naturally navigate uncertainty.
[00:00:22] When there are gaps in information, we tell ourselves stories to fill those gaps.
[00:00:27] However, when it comes to the workplace, these assumptions can do more harm than good.
[00:00:32] As leaders, understanding the science behind these mental shortcuts and learning how to reframe our thinking can transform how we interact with our teams.
[00:00:40] So that's what we're going to talk about in this week's episode, is how to understand when you're telling yourself a story and how to stop that negative narrative.
[00:00:49] So what exactly am I talking about? We've all been there.
[00:00:52] An employee doesn't respond to one of your emails, and suddenly you're spending a story about how they're disengaged or they don't respect you or they don't like you.
[00:01:00] One of your colleagues misses a deadline, and you start to make assumptions about their dedication and their character.
[00:01:06] And these narratives can feel very real, but often they're inaccurate, which can impact your relationships, team dynamics, trust, communication.
[00:01:16] Overall, the stories we tell ourselves, especially when they're negative, can be really toxic and harmful for the workplace.
[00:01:22] So let's dive in.
[00:01:24] Every single day, every single one of us is telling ourselves a story about something going on in the workplace.
[00:01:30] We humans are wired to seek coherence.
[00:01:33] We want things to be in order.
[00:01:35] So when information is incomplete or ambiguous, our brain fills in the gaps with stories to make sense of what we see.
[00:01:43] While this can be helpful in some situations, it often leads to misunderstandings in complex environments like the workplace,
[00:01:49] complex relationships that you have with your employees or that they have with you.
[00:01:53] So where does the science come in?
[00:01:55] Well, it comes down to cognitive biases.
[00:01:58] That is the core of the process.
[00:02:00] It's the mental shortcuts that help us make quick decisions, but it also distorts our perceptions.
[00:02:06] There are so many different biases that we have, but there are a few that really do lead to these storytelling syndrome that we all seem to have.
[00:02:16] And that is confirmation bias, fundamental attribution error, and negative bias.
[00:02:20] So we're going to talk a little bit about what each of those are and give some examples.
[00:02:23] So let's start with confirmation bias.
[00:02:25] Confirmation bias is when we tend to interpret information in ways that confirm our preexisting beliefs.
[00:02:32] So if you believe a team member is disengaged, you're more likely to notice signs that reinforce that disengagement and ignore evidence that contradicts it.
[00:02:42] This is something that is very common.
[00:02:44] It's even more common now that we live in a world of echo chambers where our social media feeds only feed us information with our own belief system.
[00:02:52] So it's really easy to assume that, oh, because I think it's true and I'm looking for ways to confirm it because everything that I believe in is confirmed.
[00:03:01] It's in the news.
[00:03:02] It's in my social media accounts.
[00:03:04] So confirmation bias allows us to create these echo chambers and it allows us to ignore information that might be contradictory to what we believe.
[00:03:12] Now, this might feel good, but it can make you wrong.
[00:03:16] And we don't want to be wrong as leaders.
[00:03:18] We want to understand exactly what's happening.
[00:03:20] So confirmation bias is a big one.
[00:03:22] Fundamental attribution error is when we attribute others' actions to personality or character rather than considering external factors.
[00:03:30] So, for example, if someone misses a deadline, we assume that they're lazy or disorganized rather than thinking about any of the potential challenges that they might be facing.
[00:03:39] There might be a reason besides them being lazy or disorganized or incompetent that caused them to miss that deadline.
[00:03:46] So that is a pretty significant biases that happens in the workplace.
[00:03:51] And then finally, negative bias.
[00:03:53] This is when the human brain focuses on and remembers negative experiences or information.
[00:03:58] In the workplace, this means that we're prone to noticing problems or conflicts, and we may overlook positive actions or intentions.
[00:04:05] So, for example, you might focus on one piece of critical feedback that you're getting in an overall positive review, amplifying that negative story in your mind.
[00:04:15] So, oh, gosh, I got this one piece of negative feedback.
[00:04:17] I'm going to ignore all the other great things that my boss said about me because I'm going to amplify this constructive piece of feedback.
[00:04:26] So those are the different biases that happen in the workplace, and they absolutely lead to telling stories.
[00:04:33] And these mental shortcuts absolutely served us in our evolutionary past, but they can create that toxic workplace dynamics today that we don't want.
[00:04:42] And we, as leaders, are responsible for recognizing when we're falling into these patterns and actively seek to change them and to help our team understand when they are falling into this trap of telling themselves stories and help them have tools to be able to stop that pattern.
[00:05:00] So what we're doing here at Stone Age is teaching people about these stories and these biases that impact our perceptions on what's going on that might not actually be real, and teaching people how to be able to reframe and to seek to understand.
[00:05:16] Because, let's face it, negative stories don't just impact the person that is telling themselves a story, but there's also workplace stories.
[00:05:25] And that happens when people gossip, and they share these stories and these narratives when they don't actually have all the information and maybe are too fearful or don't hold themselves accountable to seeking to understand.
[00:05:36] All right, so why is it so dangerous to tell yourself inaccurate stories?
[00:05:42] Well, like I said, they lead to misunderstanding, mistrust, and disengagement from teams.
[00:05:47] And we don't want that as leaders.
[00:05:49] The stories we tell ourselves, whether it's about an employee's performance or a peer's behavior, or the story we tell about ourselves and if people like us or respect us or if we're doing a good job, often result in decisions that are out of alignment with reality.
[00:06:02] And this disconnect can cause tension, it can erode relationships, it can foster a culture of negativity.
[00:06:09] So, for example, when a manager is assuming that an employee is disinterested because they didn't participate in a meeting,
[00:06:15] without seeking to understand why that employee stayed quiet, perhaps they were feeling overwhelmed or dealing with a personal issue,
[00:06:22] the manager might distance themselves from that employee or exclude them from future conversations or decisions.
[00:06:28] And when a manager does that, then the employee will begin to disengage because they won't understand,
[00:06:32] why is this manager leaving me out?
[00:06:34] He must not like me.
[00:06:35] I must be performing poorly.
[00:06:37] And it leads to this cycle of disengagement and the cycle of not leaning into just asking questions and understanding what's going on.
[00:06:45] And it all stems from that one false assumption.
[00:06:49] So how do you handle this?
[00:06:52] Well, first, you need to reframe the story.
[00:06:55] To break free from these inaccurate stories, you need to pause and reflect before reacting.
[00:07:00] You can start by practicing mindfulness and becoming aware of the assumptions that you're making.
[00:07:04] So when you are telling yourself a story, say, huh, is this a story that I'm telling myself?
[00:07:08] What evidence do I have that this story is true?
[00:07:12] What other stories can be different?
[00:07:14] Before you go and address the situation, you need to just pause and reframe it.
[00:07:20] Maybe there's some other things going on.
[00:07:22] I share this in my book, The Ownership Mindset, in the chapter on telling yourself stories,
[00:07:26] that when you're telling yourself something that's negative and that narrative is icky,
[00:07:29] stop and say, OK, I'm going to tell myself three different stories, all of which have a positive outcome.
[00:07:35] So, OK, this is happening because X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z, that are all much more positive than this is happening because I'm going to get fired.
[00:07:44] That really helps you see that there's a lot of different possibilities than the story that you're telling yourself.
[00:07:50] Take a couple deep breaths.
[00:07:51] I'm such a big believer in three deep breaths.
[00:07:53] Put your feet on the ground and take three deep breaths.
[00:08:00] I'm not going to take three so that you don't have to sit through that.
[00:08:03] But when you do that, it grounds you, it centers you, and it helps you calm down your central nervous system.
[00:08:09] And so then that will mean that you are more likely to go, huh, this isn't necessarily true.
[00:08:15] And I'm in a much more calm, grounded place to be able to decide how I want to handle this situation,
[00:08:21] how I'm going to go ask questions about it.
[00:08:23] And then finally, put yourself in the other person's shoes.
[00:08:25] So if you are assuming that somebody is doing something to you, consider the challenges or pressures that that person might be facing.
[00:08:32] When you reframe that, it allows you to approach the situation with empathy.
[00:08:36] Somebody doesn't say hi to you in the morning on your way into work.
[00:08:39] It does not mean that they don't like you.
[00:08:42] It could mean that they had a huge fight with their child before dropping him off at school, like I did this morning, and they're not in a great place.
[00:08:51] So put yourself in their shoes and saying, hey, maybe there's some challenges that they're going through, and I shouldn't take this personally.
[00:08:56] When you stop and reframe, you take those three deep breaths.
[00:09:00] You tell yourself, what evidence do I have to prove that this is true?
[00:09:04] What other stories are possible?
[00:09:06] How do I put myself into their shoes?
[00:09:10] Understanding their pressure and situations, you can reframe that in your mind and get yourself into a more positive place.
[00:09:15] The second thing you need to do is seek to understand.
[00:09:17] So seek to understand is something that we talk about at Stone Age all the time.
[00:09:21] Before you jump to conclusions, seek to understand.
[00:09:25] Do not make assumptions.
[00:09:26] Cultivate curiosity by asking open questions like, hey, can you help me understand what happened?
[00:09:31] Or, hey, I noticed that you did X, Y, and Z.
[00:09:34] Or you said these words in the meeting this morning.
[00:09:38] I'm not sure what you meant by those.
[00:09:39] Can you please help me understand?
[00:09:41] Or I noticed that you didn't say hi this morning, and you usually do.
[00:09:46] And so I just was wondering, are you okay?
[00:09:48] Are you having a tough day?
[00:09:48] Anything you want to talk about?
[00:09:50] That is seeking to understand.
[00:09:52] It allows you to ask open-ended questions.
[00:09:54] That creates dialogue.
[00:09:56] And dialogue is so important.
[00:09:57] You need to talk to your team members.
[00:09:59] You need to talk to your colleagues.
[00:10:00] And the best way to do that is to simply ask questions.
[00:10:04] Another part of seeking to understand is listening actively.
[00:10:08] A lot of times when we're going to go ask questions about what happened,
[00:10:11] it's because we want to defend and protect.
[00:10:14] We want to justify the perception that we had.
[00:10:17] And that can lead to you not really listening.
[00:10:20] It can lead to you listening so that you can respond rather than listen to understand.
[00:10:25] So hear what they're really saying.
[00:10:27] Create that space for genuine dialogue.
[00:10:30] And when in doubt, always assume good intentions.
[00:10:32] Most of the time, people are not actively doing something to hurt you,
[00:10:37] to make you mad, to miss a deadline, to screw something up.
[00:10:41] All of those different things that we can blame on.
[00:10:43] Rudeness and competency.
[00:10:44] All those character flaws that easily flow from us when we're feeling annoyed
[00:10:48] about what's happening around us.
[00:10:51] But stop doing that.
[00:10:52] Assume good intentions.
[00:10:53] Most people actually aren't thinking about you.
[00:10:55] They're thinking about themselves and what they've got going on in their life.
[00:10:58] When you assume good intentions and have that dialogue,
[00:11:00] you are creating a space to improve team dynamics and help create that more positive workplace.
[00:11:08] This also is really important when you're telling yourself a negative story about you.
[00:11:12] That someone doesn't like you.
[00:11:13] That you're not performing well.
[00:11:15] That you're going to get fired just because your boss sends you an email that says,
[00:11:18] Hey, can you come in and talk to me when you have a minute?
[00:11:21] We can easily go into the mode of,
[00:11:24] I'm somehow not worthy.
[00:11:26] I'm somehow not performing.
[00:11:28] I'm somehow not doing a good job.
[00:11:29] And that can take a stand to this downward spiral.
[00:11:32] So seek to understand before you judge yourself, go ask those questions.
[00:11:37] And again, assume good intentions.
[00:11:38] It's always a much better place to be.
[00:11:40] So I'm going to share a quick story about a place where I went and spiraled and some
[00:11:45] goodness that came out of it.
[00:11:47] It was about 10 years ago.
[00:11:48] I got an email from our founder, John Wolgamott, chairman of the board at the time.
[00:11:53] And he said, Hey, I need to talk to you about something.
[00:11:55] I'd like to not meet in the office and go for a walk.
[00:11:57] And so I immediately freaked out.
[00:11:59] Oh my gosh, he's not happy with my performance.
[00:12:01] Something happened and I was spinning, trying to figure out what was going on.
[00:12:04] What did I screw up?
[00:12:06] Why would I be getting reprimanded?
[00:12:08] Am I going to get fired?
[00:12:09] And unfortunately we couldn't meet for two days with both of our schedules.
[00:12:13] So I spun for two days and I didn't sleep the night before because I was so worried about
[00:12:18] this conversation.
[00:12:19] I did not just email him back and say, yeah, what do you want to talk about?
[00:12:22] So that I would know.
[00:12:23] So I go into our walking meeting thinking that this is about me and he launches into something
[00:12:29] completely different.
[00:12:30] He wanted to talk about the ESOP and buying them out over time and what this could look
[00:12:34] like.
[00:12:34] And he was like, I've really been thinking about the way you've been pushing us to address
[00:12:39] a succession and founder buyout.
[00:12:41] And I want to do this.
[00:12:42] I want to do the ESOP.
[00:12:43] I mean, talk about two completely different things.
[00:12:46] I was in left field and he was in right field.
[00:12:48] I made it all about me and he was not even thinking about that.
[00:12:51] So we had this great conversation.
[00:12:52] And at the end of it, I said, you know, John, I was really worried that this was going to
[00:12:57] be a performance conversation.
[00:12:58] I thought maybe you weren't happy with me.
[00:13:00] He's like, why would you think that?
[00:13:01] I said, well, you just like this abrupt email.
[00:13:03] It came out of nowhere.
[00:13:04] You didn't tell me what you wanted to meet about.
[00:13:06] And he's like, oh, I'm so sorry.
[00:13:08] I definitely didn't mean that.
[00:13:11] Just let you know what I want to talk about in any future communication.
[00:13:14] That way, you know, and you don't tell yourself a story.
[00:13:16] I really learned from that.
[00:13:17] I should have just asked, what do you want to meet about?
[00:13:19] So that I didn't tell myself a story.
[00:13:22] Two, that I was completely letting myself spiral because I didn't put these things into action.
[00:13:27] I didn't tell myself what are three other possibilities that he would want to talk to
[00:13:31] me about and how do I seek to understand?
[00:13:34] And three, that I never wanted to make an employee feel that way too.
[00:13:38] So whenever I have to set up a meeting, I always say, hey, can you come in and talk to me?
[00:13:43] I want to talk about X, Y, Z.
[00:13:45] Because I know that when people come to talk to the CEO, if they don't know what it's about,
[00:13:50] they might be getting reprimanded.
[00:13:51] They call it going into the principal's office.
[00:13:53] And so it changed how I show up with my employees too, so that I don't unintentionally put fear
[00:14:00] into their lives because of the story that they're telling themselves, just because I leave
[00:14:04] out a piece of information about, hey, this is why I want to meet.
[00:14:08] That is just an example of something that happened to me and how it changed my relationship with
[00:14:12] John.
[00:14:13] It changed my relationship with myself to have the confidence to know that you're not going
[00:14:17] to have a performance conversation if you haven't been underperforming and to make sure
[00:14:21] that I don't do that to any of my employees.
[00:14:24] So here's a couple of things that you can do when you are telling yourself a story.
[00:14:27] Just to recap, one, pause, reflect, reframe.
[00:14:31] Notice when you're making assumptions and practice challenging those initial thoughts.
[00:14:35] One, reframe where you're at.
[00:14:37] Take those three deep breaths.
[00:14:39] Two, embrace curiosity.
[00:14:41] Ask questions.
[00:14:42] Seek to understand.
[00:14:43] Don't just jump to those conclusions until you actually have all the information.
[00:14:47] It is okay to ask questions.
[00:14:48] In fact, it is your responsibility to understand.
[00:14:51] So seek to understand.
[00:14:53] Go ask those questions.
[00:14:54] Three, assume good intentions.
[00:14:56] Approach every interaction with the belief that others mean well.
[00:15:00] And that creates this culture of trust and openness.
[00:15:03] And even if someone didn't have good intentions, but you're going to seek to understand, it's
[00:15:08] creating that dialogue so that you do actually have more information so that you can make
[00:15:13] better decisions.
[00:15:14] And finally, in the fourth, be accountable.
[00:15:16] Be accountable to those stories that you tell yourself.
[00:15:19] Be accountable for being a kind of leader that doesn't create unintentional fear in your
[00:15:24] employees because you aren't giving them all the information.
[00:15:27] You're not sharing things with openness and transparency.
[00:15:32] Be accountable for creating a safe place where people can seek to understand and not feel like
[00:15:37] they're going to get in trouble or be reprimanded.
[00:15:40] And hold yourself accountable to pausing, reflecting, and reframing those stories that you tell yourself.
[00:15:48] All right.
[00:15:49] I hope that this helps.
[00:15:50] I know that when you embrace these practices, you'll not only improve your own leadership capabilities,
[00:15:55] but also create that more positive workplace culture that inspires collaboration and creativity
[00:16:01] and openness and high performance and all those things that we want as leaders.
[00:16:05] With that, I will leave you for your day.
[00:16:07] Thank you so much for joining me.
[00:16:08] If you like this podcast, please write a review, subscribe to it on YouTube or on your favorite
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[00:16:15] Share it with a friend.
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[00:16:18] Comment on it.
[00:16:19] It just helps continue to get this kind of information out to the world.
[00:16:22] And who doesn't need help stopping the negative narrative that we all tell ourselves.
[00:16:27] All right.
[00:16:28] With that, I will let you go for your day and we'll see you next week.